The conversation is always sad, always tragic. The pastor who left his church after a two-year affair with another church member. The student pastor who has been out of vocational ministry since he had a brief sexual encounter with his assistant.
I have spoken with countless numbers of these men and women. And each time I am reminded of how much I need to love God with all my heart, and to be totally devoted to my wife. Though the conversations are both sad and tragic, I do learn from them.
And after dozens, perhaps a few hundred, of these conversations, I see patterns. Because the conversations were informal, I cannot say for certain which among them were the most frequent warning signs.
So I provide them in no particular order. With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America. More from Thom. Looking for a resource to revamp your membership class?
The Complete Membership Class Toolkit includes all the resources you need to facilitate a successful class. The kit includes:. Your email address will not be published. Hi my pastor is acting strange it has been two years. This was two months after I had attended the school of ministry at his church.
I started attending this church last year for some other reason and had completely forgotten about the message. It was all good and he called me to see him after church. Well, the man I had been involved with came back around when I injured myself and was vilnerable.
After the close of the session he led me astray. Being convicted I pleaded for the Lord to forgive me. I then shared my lapse in judgement with my pastor and told him Jesus had already forgiven me. Since then I have been asked to step down from the ministry and our small circle keeps growing. I feel it has gotten out of hand. Jesus blood wiped us all clean. I have turned from that son and will son no more. Any thoughts on this? Should I keep having the go over the pain?
I am ready to begin the healing. Hi Michelle. I would think an in depth conversation with Christian people who know you, know your situation and so an would help carve a sustainable path to restoration.
Yes I am working with a team and I am trying to heal from a unhealthy ungodly soul tie. I am going through the process right know for deliverance from this un godly soul tie.
Please pray for me. Thank you! I think you helped some leader with that insight. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Notify me of follow-up comments by email. Notify me of new posts by email. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed. Share via: Shares. Sin happens in secret.
The best way to keep secrets is to cut yourself off from true community. Solitude is a gift from God. Isolation is a tool of the enemy. Confession is designed to stop what sin starts. Thinking about the consequences of your sin is a great way to avoid committing a sin.
Leaders who avoid accountability still give an account for their actions—when they get caught. There are other, healthier paths. Posted in Personal Growth and tagged character , crisis , growth , health , maturity , pastoral care , self-leadership. Jackie C. Ron Brooks on November 19, at pm. Looking for support for Senior Pastor Alec and myself. Andy on June 13, at am. These guard rails are really practical and realistically simple.
Geoffrey on February 10, at am. BunchaCrunch on April 7, at am. Bob on March 11, at pm. Thomas on March 1, at pm. Shaundes Wilcox on February 12, at pm. Mitch McQuinn on December 27, at pm. Adultery is destructive, and when pastors break their sacred boundaries and abuse those they are supposed to serve, the reasons can be baffling to others. Sometimes, sadly, even most of the time when boundaries are violated, some clergy are serial abusers who use their positions of power to victimize others, often many people over time.
These predators are " wolves in shepherds clothing. The Hope of Survivors organization provides support, hope, and healing for the victims of pastoral sexual abuse. Sometimes, clergy adultery results more from the same intimacy needs we all share and serves as a reminder for us all.
A deep hunger for intimacy and affirmation, fed by small amounts of connection, can grow into large amounts. But given the position of power that pastors have in their communities, even "simple adultery" is still abuse. For all of us, intimacy has several facets, or doors. In every relationship at home, work, or play, we open those doors a certain amount as we build trust with one another.
Sometimes, we open them inappropriately. We might name four doors of intimacy: physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual, and these are all connected. In our daily interactions, we continually open and close each one an appropriate amount, depending on the type of relationship.
Chatting happily with a store clerk opens an emotional door just crack. Solving a problem with a co-worker opens an intellectual door a bit. At home, however, we strive to open these doors widely so our marriages and families stay deeply invested with one another. Moreover, each of these doors are connected to the others--when one is wide open it pulls to open the others. Young couples becoming intellectually and spiritually intimate naturally invites more emotional or physical intimacy, for example, and vice versa--a couple in the midst of an emotional conflict might hesitate to pray together.
We continually work to open some and close others appropriately. Pastors, as an occupational group, can face unusual pressures in maintaining intimacy in the right places. Some fall into sin by practicing bad boundaries and betraying their flock. Some abusers use intimacy in one area to manipulate their victims, using power to prey on emotion and take sexual advantage. Intellectually, like many vocations, pastors can be very busy people, finding it difficult to make time to invest at home or even just relax.
That's a normal hazard of many professionals. But pastors may be told that meeting the needs of the church is God's work and his or her first calling in life, even before family.
He may spend long hours discussing church work at the office and have limited time for intellectual intimacy at home and sharing common interests with the spouse and kids. Such a misplaced vocation leaves home life taken for granted and intellectual intimacy withering.
Emotionally, the minister is often the first person to hear about the concerns and heartaches of his congregation. That requires an unusual amount of emotional investment as part of the job.
Furthermore, because of confidentiality, he or she often cannot share those emotional burdens with their spouse. That raises natural but definite barriers at home.
The minister may also be emotionally fed and affirmed by people who share intimate details and personal emotional concerns. A pastor may begin to reciprocate that emotional investment. Barriers at home and affirmation on the job present a self-reinforcing danger to pastors. They must be very careful where they invest their emotional energy.
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